Thursday, February 24, 2011

Chapter 4 Big Ideas, Exercise 4

Exercise Four: "On...."
"This exercise should be as close to automatic writing as you can make it: Pick your title, think for a minute, then write. No pausing, no editing. Just tell us what you know about, say, humiliation, or ecstasy, or what have you, that word that's in your head right now."


from Chapter One Getting Started; "And something else - the stuff she really wanted to talk about? The hard stuff? She didn't really actually in fact want to talk about." (page 11)

On Being Fertile

When it comes to my ovaries I have never felt more afraid or lonely/offended or misunderstood. It's a big joke, you know. My fertility...the number of children I have. Once the bagger at the grocery store called me the old woman who lived in a shoe she didn't know just what to do. About that I am not kidding. I sometimes try to go along with the jokes, to be playful as well, but the truth is I don't want you to make fun of me...or make a joke about the size of my family. It's not comic material. My family is serious business to me. If I'm gonna have this many kids than I think I have a very important responsibility to be well, responsible.

We're not fodder for your bad jokes.
Except it's OK for me to make fun.
I'm hypocritical that way. I can say "Gimme a break! I have 5 kids after all!" but you can't. I could never be friends with someone who cracked a joke about my family.
I'm apparently uber sensitive that way.

Getting pregnant was like ca I liken getting pregnant to getting a cold. It seemed like I was always catching it.

Here's the hard part for me. It is very difficult for me to be real about the way I feel because I am very, very aware that there are women, women I know, who can't get pregnant. Women who long for life to flutter in their womb. But I'm coming to grips with the fact that my story is my story. This is in fact how I feel, right or wrong, sensitive or insensitive; I get pregnant. Easily. And it's been fear I carry around in my in the deepest corners of my heart.

I got pregnant easily when we wanted our first child.
I suffered a terrible miscarriage with my second pregnancy, which I also conceived easily.
I feared I would never be able to carry a baby again but was easily impregnated just months later.
My second child was 6 months old when I suspected I was pregnant again. That misnomer about not getting pregnant while nursing... so not true.
So I had a preschooler, a toddler and an infant.
And I was at the end of my mental limits.
I was not er, am not the most nurturing person. I was worried I didn't have what it takes to be a good mother.
When my baby was a preschooler
Believe me not a day after my 3rd baby was born did I not worry about getting pregnant. I faithfully took birth control, crossing my fingers hoping and believing that I was warding off any future pregnancies.
We're not rich.
Children are expensive and ...

I felt maxed out in my ability with 3, I was actively trying to NOT get pregnant and yet fear loomed in my heart and mind like a monthly panic attack. My mother had 4 children, the fourth after her tubes tied. I have a sister who has a set of twins. When I think about my family history I should --- I recognize there is a fertility issue present. In favor of reproduction. It makes me think I'm hardly really, ever in control of my own uterus.

When my baby was a preschooler (and I was faithfully trying to NOT get pregnant) I got pregnant. Very. On my second visit to the OB a sonogram confirmed I was expecting twins.

How can I explain this? I believe on this day, upon hearing this news, I stood at the edge of my sanity and considered jumping off.

It was a surreal moment. In fact, one of the few times in my life that I believe I heard God speak to me. After my temper tantrum, after my rant, after I accused the Dr. (I actually said, "This is your fault") I prayed. I said, "WHY!? This is enough to send me over the ledge!" and as certain as if it was my own thought I heard God say, "It will if you let it".

Now, it's been six and a half years since those two little darlings entered our life. And I truly mean this when I say, Thank goodness there is two of them. They have each other, and now that the infant and toddler years are behind us, now that they are potty trained and on the verge of tying their own shoes, it is actually easier (not less expensive, mind you - that's a whole 'nother thing) as they have each other for companionship.

I also went for a more permanent solution to my fertility problem. I asked the Dr. - and I quote - "Give me the best tubal ligation you've ever performed! I do NOT want to come here again!"

And yet nonetheless, I still worry. I watch the calendar ferociously. Any slight nauseous wave sends me into a mental spiral of calculating bio rhythms, intimate moments and diaper costs.

I have girlfriends who have had tubals and have no worry or fear what so ever that they could get pregnant.
I'm terrified.
And the fear causes mental anguish
that causes stress,
that causes irregularity,
that causes panic,
that causes marital strife,
that causes guilt
that causes ...

I fear I'll have triplets next time. I think I'll be the oldest woman to ever have a baby. I think the jokes will only increase. I think I really should relax because if I'm doing so much to not get pregnant and yet I do, I succumb to the fact that is must be meant to be. I think about all the women who want babies. I think I should ask for a hysterectomy next time I go to the Dr.
I think what women requires a hysterectomy for birth control!?!
I think it's exhausting being me.
I fear I am too fertile for my own good.

1 comment:

  1. I love you! Each of mine were conceived while actively trying not to get pregnant with a different method of birth control.

    It's bad enough to have to "do the math" as you said any time you start to feel the slightest bit of nausea, but then if we mention it to someone, the first question we get is... could you be pregnant?

    My first thought and answer is "NO!" and my second thought, although I don't share it, is "If I was, would it be any of your business?" ... like they think we wouldn't know the symptoms and they might be the ones cluing us in to the early signs of pregnancy!


AddThis Smart Layers