(this article originally appears in the 2/22/11 edition of the Monmouth Daily Review Atlas as a part of my weekly Practical Parenting series)
Picture
a mother who is busy rushing around the kitchen
preparing dinner for her family. She bounces frantically between the
stove, sink and refrigerator gathering ingredients for the
evening meal. Naturally her toddler is underfoot. He too stumbles around
the small space imitating his mom's every movement. His natural need to
explore however becomes a problem when he
reaches into the open refrigerator and pulls down a container of
pudding. It
spills all over the floor and makes a mess.
His mother has a very important choice to make.
Most of us, if we would be honest enough to admit it, would
yell, accuse and/or demean our little one for playing in an off limits area. Some
might hit or spank the child and most of us would banish him from the
kitchen. The entire scene would be loud, tearful and painful. This is what child development experts
call punishment. It is the action parents take after a child has already
misbehaved.
Or the mother could use a discipline technique that recognizes the child’s need to explore while keeping them safe and out of trouble at home.
Did
you notice that this entire scenario could have been
avoided? Parents should remember that in many instances problems can be
prevented before they even occur. Toddlers are curious, incredibly
persistent
and unbelievably quick. It should not have taken this mother by surprise
that trouble would be on deck with an agape refrigerator. The entire
moment
could have been one hundred percent preventable if she would have simply
closed the door
behind her. Problem diverted. Yelling unnecessary. No tears shed.
But alas, many parents act surprised when young children misbehave. They think that children ought to know better and that they should want to cooperate. To this I ask, “What parenting book are you reading?” Neither my first, nor second, nor third, fourth or fifth child were ever agreeable. Not when they were in the throes of the terrible twos and certainly not....well, ever! I think it’s pretty safe to assume that this is normal.
But let’s go back to our kitchen scenario. A more positive discipline technique, the A.C.T. Method, as coined by Dr. Michael Popkin, would have been an excellent way for this harried mother to correct her nosy toddler. The three steps include: A - accepting the child’s feelings, C – communicating the rule or limit and T – targeting a positive response.
Most
parents discover they are already familiar and utilizing portions of
this technique. Consistently combine all three steps together however,
and parents create a sort of super nova of discipline.
In
the first step; accept the child’s feelings; the mother would
say in our scenario, “I know you like to explore things,”. Since the
kitchen, especially the refrigerator can be a very unsafe place for a
child, she should then communicate the limit by saying, “but the
refrigerator is not for
exploring.” Notice this is a very short and to the point sentence. No
long
explanation is needed. Often parents get embattled in a long
dissertation with a
two year old! This is an unnecessary use of your time. Toddlers are not
rational. If you waste your time explaining why the fridge is off
limits, point out everything inside that could harm them and all the
electricity they
will waste by being in it, your words will fall on deaf ears. They don’t
care
about any of your reasoning. They simply feel like exploring. So let
them!
That’s
where the third step of A.C.T. comes in handy. Don’t
forget to target a more positive activity for your child. Be prepared to
move and show children another activity that satisfies the same need to
explore. Say,
“Here’s a drawer full of fun things for you to play with!” In this case
(and I
confess, even in my own home) we created a play place in our kitchen
because my children were always following me in there. So instead of
being crabby about it, I
recognized that I needed to create an environment where they could be in
the
kitchen but more importantly be safe.
We
have a drawer full of leftover kids meals toys, lids,
containers, wooden spoons, blocks and hot pads. When my children would
toddle
in, I’d direct them to the drawer, sometimes repeatedly depending on how
ornery, er, I mean persistent they were being. But eventually, they
learned, "I can’t climb on the table. I can’t
play by the stove, if I’m gonna be in here I gotta play in this drawer".
The
A.C.T. method is a fantastic technique that allows children
to be children while moms can keep their sanity. Instilling a new
discipline method hardly ever works the first time. A good technique, no
matter how brilliant, is not a magic wand. In addition implementing the
three A.C.T. steps make take some practice. It can take some time
getting used to mentally formulating your words in a concise, orderly
manner. Master this method, however, and it has the potential to
revolutionize your parenting journey.
Your
spouse will be impressed with how well your kids
listen to you! You’ll sleep easier knowing you are fighting with your
kids less and your children will be happier because they feel as if you
understand their needs. Now isn’t that a recipe for success? Give the
A.C.T
Method a try today. Why? Because I’m the mom and I said so! That’s why!
Stephanie
is a Professional Parent Educator for the Monmouth-Roseville School
District and can be reached at ssikorski@mr238.org.