Saturday, November 10, 2012

Peace on Earth Starts with a Good Night's Sleep

If I was in the healthcare business I'd be wealthy. But since I'm not I'll just dedicate this article to my million dollar idea and hope for the sake of motherhood someone takes my plan seriously and uses it for good.

You know how moms are often exhausted? Wait, I mean always. You know how moms, especially new moms, are always exhausted? After giving birth, getting up at obscene hours for middle of the night feedings and all the mental energy that goes into transitioning into this new role in our lives we need rest like never before. And yet the one thing we need, sleep, often alludes us with frustratingly great accuracy.

Well, if it were up to me I'd understand this about motherhood and I'd offer a unique service that will not only equip parents to fulfill their job duties with a greater skill level, I believe my idea has the power to make mothers more happy in general.

Happier women? A. Who wouldn't want that? And B. Yes, sleep is that important!

I would create a new type of healthcare service for mothers. Obstricians help pregnant women. Pediatricians help children. Who is serving the women after they've given birth and are drowning in the trenches of parenthood?

It seems to me that hospitals have space dedicated to critical care patients, long term needs and even physical therapy. I think they are neglecting a huge and potentially lucrative clientele; the exhausted mother. I propose hospitals begin to incorporate a Mother Floor.

Why? Because there was a time in my parenting career that I would have paid big bucks to just get one completely, uninterrupted night's sleep. Big. Bucks.

Perhaps you are thinking that hotels are already in the sleeping business. Indeed they are, but do you know the hassle a mother would get if she told her children she was going to stay in a hotel without them? Children think hotels are for indoor pools, free breakfasts and beds to jump on. No mother would ever escape if her children knew she was going to a hotel. Mention the word hospital however and no child in their right mind would demand to tag along.

No, I don't need any amenities. I just need a good night's sleep.

For the sake of my mental and physical health admit me, give me a bed, turn off the lights and don't check on me until morning. Do not wake me up to take my temperature. Do not come in and check my vitals. Just let me pay you to rest.

If you want to make a package out of the whole experience go ahead. Offer me a hot breakfast and a gourmet cup of coffee. Offer a completely staffed nursery where mothers can even bring their children in the off chance they can't find anyone to stay with the rug rats. Heck, you can even throw in a hot shower and free internet so I can update and tweet about my awesome experience. I'd pay for any and all of it if I could just get a bed.

Don't you think my idea would boost the economy and create hundreds of new jobs? I think nurses everywhere would be clamoring to work on this Mother Floor. No temps to take? No machines to monitor? Sit around and cuddle cute babies that you don't have to keep? Sounds like a dream job, no?

Can you imagine the repercussions of such a service? If mothers everywhere could, on occasion, get a full night's sleep? If we weren't walking zombies living in the land of endless bottles and diapers we could conquer the world! Yes! We could solve the debt crisis and manage our households with extreme precision. Children would do better in school. Husbands would no longer be afraid to come home and the world would experience peace on earth.

I'm certain this idea is Nobel Prize worthy.

Yes, healthcare providers and insurance agents everywhere would be very wise to immediately implement this service to public. Happier women. Pleasant homes. Peace on earth. All accomplishable with one night's sleep. Why? Because I’m the mother and I said so!

(This article appears in The Daily Review Atlas as a part of my weekly Practical Parenting series)

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