Thursday, October 18, 2012
I have been in a constant state of pain since June.
I've written before about my retail job. What began as a side job to earn some Christmas money last year and here I am coming up on my 1 year anniversary at the store. I never would have thought I'd still be there.
Nonetheless I am and it's caused me great pain.
In more ways than one but I mean literal pain.
In my foot.
At first it was an ache.
Then it was annoying.
Then it was debilitating and I had come to the point where I began to fantasize about amputation. I'm not kidding. My foot hurt so bad I became insanely convinced cutting it off would be more comfortable.
Initially, I complained about my foot around the house. I hobbled and cried, iced my foot, took medicine and complained some more. Nothing changed. No improvement. In fact, so much time went by with such little improvement that it sorta became the new norm. And I was so NOT OK with that. My kids stopped asking me, "What's wrong, Mom?" My husband no longer offered sympathy. It wasn't getting better and I began to believe I was doomed.
Thankfully I haven't been scheduled at the store much and staying off my foot as much as possible was ideal. Not realistic but ideal.
I invested in shoe inserts.
I bought new shoes.
I bought anti-inflamatory medicine.
I scoured the Internet for solutions.
I even prayed for my foot.
And one day when I was limping down the hall at school I saw a coworker approaching. My instinct was to stop limping and walk as normal as possible. I faked it. I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I didn't want anyone to see me weak and injured. I wanted to look strong. So ... I faked it.
And it got me thinking ... if I'm misrepresenting myself, what are the chances you are too?
How many of us, when in pain, pretend we are not? How often do we hide?
And why aren't we willing to 'be real'?
I think I know the answer.
Because 'real' is ugly.
And we don't want people, especially those who's affection we long for, to see our ugly. Me included. But how healthy is that, really?
Should we hide?
Should we be ashamed of our pain?
When I had reached the end of my rope and began to entertain amputation I knew I had let my pain go too long. I decided to reach out and I asked for help. For me, I got a boot that helped my foot pain INSTANTLY. I borrowed it from a friend.
I took a risk, revealed my pain and asked for help.
Now my foot is recovering and I think I'll be able to keep it.
I also think I learned a very important lesson; it's not worth it ... living isolated and in pain. Reaching out for help, especially to a good friend, is often precisely what we need. Don't hide in your pain, shame and fear. And I'm not talking about just physical pain. Don't hide. Faking it is rarely the best course of action if healing is what you desire.
at 9:00 AM