Monday, June 18, 2012

Why I never finished reading 50 Shades of Grey

Months ago I saw a small clip on the news about a self published book that was making HUGE waves. I wrote down the title so I could check it out. I had no idea - nor did I care about what the book was about! I just wanted to see if I could figure out what the author, E. L. James knew about publishing that I might want to/need to know as an aspiring author.

So I went to Amazon and read the free posted pages.

I wasn't knocked out necessarily by what I read but I admit I wanted to keep reading just to simply see what Christian saw in Ana. Plus it seemed all the hype was for nothing. There was no hot and steamy-ness in the free preview. So I put my name on it at the library, was told I was 3rd on the waiting list and within a week Mr. Smith from the Warren County Public Library called to tell me it was in.

He gave me a sheepish look when I picked it up. I'll admit it was slightly awkward.
When I had the book in my hand I saw why; the back cover said, "Erotica".

That very same week author E. L. James and 50 Shades had inundated media with her book dubbed "mommy porn" interviewing and confessing it was her midlife crisis/hobby to write out her personal fantasy in 50 Shades trilogy.

O crap! What sort of book had I checked out from the library?

Two things to note:
A.) I'm super private about private things and
B.) I'm a sorta prude

Also, oh yeah,

C.) I got kids. Kids old enough to know their mommy had picked up the sordid popular book. I was either going to have to hide the book from them or explain what porn is. Neither of which I was really interested in doing. (I can't even use the bathroom in private - how could I expect to keep an entire novel I was reading to myself?)

Nevertheless, the little voice inside my head said, "How bad can it be anyway?" and so I kept reading.
Christian goes to the hardware store.
Christian agrees to the photo shoot.
Christian and Ana go out for tea.
Christian flies her to his bachelor pad.
Christian is obviously screwy in the head.
Obviously Ana is as well. (Who in their right mind would sign a contract? I mean c'mon!)
They hook up ... uh-oh this is getting super steamy and
he's got this weirdo creepy torture room.

insert screech noise

I slam the book shut and immediately return it to the library drop box under the cover of dark where I won't have to look any librarians in the eye lest they think I voraciously read mommy porn in one night.

Incidentally the key to self publishing is obviously sex.
Note to self: work on your query letter writing skills.

Now everywhere I go (and I mean everywhere) people are talking about 50 Shades of Grey. Some say it's nothing but smut. Other's argue it is every woman's secret fantasy. Some say it's poorly written and are bored of reading about 'shattered' while others are furious with degradation of women. No matter your opinion one thing is for certain ... this book is making E. L. James a freaking gazillionaire

and I might be the only person in the world who started it, shut it and won't ever read it again.


I didn't want Christian Grey or his sex-ness in my bed. Not literally, of course! What I mean is I know me and I know that if I would have kept on reading 50 Shades would have - temporarily or permanently - who knows - left an impression on me and subsequently into my very personal, private life.

And I don't want anyone else there except me and my husband.
It's that simple.

I like my personal life. A lot.
Am I saying it doesn't need improvement ... yeah, believe it or not I am.
It's that good here.
Inviting 50 Shades of Grey in will only change that.

So forget you Christian Grey. I don't need you.
I'm not interested in your good looks or weird tricks.
This chic is having a good time without you.
Hope you're not too, um ....  shattered to discover not every woman wants you in her head when she's in her bed.

read to be read at yeahwrite.meIf you found me via yeahwrite thanks for visiting! If you don't know what yeahwrite is go here! It's fun for aspiring writers to showcase their blog, practice writing and meet new friends!


  1. Amen, Sistah! I'm widowed and don't want or need to have that in my life.

  2. Thnaks for reading my blog! Theres so much to read out there I feel so happy when someone takes the time to raed mine! Thanks!

  3. Yeah, there is no way I can read this book. I read a few samples and a few excerpts, it is just not for me. At all.

  4. Hahahaha I woulda used the book drop, too.

    1. you know what I'm talking about, right!? Thanks for stopping by Gia!

  5. I'm so not interested in reading that series. My reading time is precious and I'd rather read a million awesome blogs than one bad book. I don't care if that means that I'll miss the inevitable Trivial Pursuit question regarding this book (or the Twilight series -- haven't read those, either). I simply don't have time to waste on crap.

    1. Oh man! I suck at Trivial Pursuit even when I've read the book/seen the movie/watched the big game. Thanks for visiting the blog today! I appreciate it!

  6. I'm not really into pop culture stuff very often, so sheer popularity kept me away from this book. I wouldn't have known anything about it if the lady on the news didn't tell me how dirty mommies are lately.

    Who do you think will star in the film? I'm imagining James Spader and Zoey Deschanel. Ha.

    1. Are you a Contrarian too?!?

      James Spader? Creepy yes! Sexy? Not too me! Thanks for visiting my blog! I lve yeahwrite connections!

    2. Well, it would HAVE to be James Spader. Whatever you think of him, he starred in Crash (1996) AND The Secretary. This sounds like it's right up his alley. Bless his heart, he does good work with this crap!

  7. I haven't even bothered with it at all. From what I can tell it is rather poorly written and if all I was looking for was poorly written smut I could just as easily google it!

  8. I enjoyed reading your thoughts. My two cents on the whole deal is that I have so little time to read as it is why on earth would I read something that in no way builds up or inspires. I want to improve my writing -- not dumb it down. I want to continually better my world -- not pull it down. There are just too many good things out there to read with so little time.

    Sorry you didn't make the grid. I fell asleep too but woke back up about 2....and got on.

    1. Thank you! And I agree w you wholeheartedly about making things that build up! Actually I'm surprised at the tone of comments so far. I sorta braced myself to be ridiculed for my self professed prudeness. Seems I thought wrong. I'm not alone in not reading it. Thanks for visiting my blog today!

  9. I admit what's held me off was the repeated claims of bad writing. I have good writing to read. I don't care if it's smut, but bad smut... :)

    On the other hand, I totally salute you for knowing your limits and being happy with your romantic life. You go!

    1. Gee thanks. And it really is really pretty bad writing. They author even admits it. I'm reading LaMott and Yates and L'Engle this summer! Thanks for reading my blog and taking the time to comment!

  10. All I can think concerning that particular book is sex sells and that author was no dummy.

    I have not read it and won't for many reasons not the least of which has already been mentioned by you and SouthMainMuse above. Quite frankly, I'm getting a little senile and what little bit of brain power I have left I would rather use to read more constructive publications.

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