Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The 7th Year - Week 5

I've been doing a weekly devotional from Alicia Britt Chole. It's entitled The 7th Year.

I'm not usually one for this kind of study rather, I prefer a little ... um, less structure.

Don't get me wrong - I like structure. I'm a professional list maker after all (seriously I could be paid very handsomely for my To-Do list disciplines) but the reality of my current season in life does not allow for me to have such weekly discipline.

That being said, this 7th Year has been refreshing.
And thank goodness it is structured or (like my writing) I fear I'd never get it done without the deadlines.

In addition, I am going through the study with two of my very best girlfriends and the accountability is humbling and the opportunity to share is soothing to my soul.

In Week 5 of the study we added another layer to our timeline, this time reflecting on key moments we've chosen from our history. We were instructed to examine how we felt about God during those key moments. And while I'm sure everyone's timeline is vastly different they are probably also all the same; full of highs and lows, good days as well as tragedy.

It's the difficult times that challenges my reflection. I mean, Really? You want me to give words to how I may have felt about God when I was having a nervous breakdown?

No! Wouldn't it be easier to talk about how I felt about God when I was a happy newlywed, or when my first daughter was born?

Let's not go there, to the time I woke in a hospital bed recovering from a tragic miscarriage.
Let's not dig up the names I called Him when I shook my fists at the heavens that time I felt so betrayed. We really don't want to reveal how dark my heart was when I was angry about my future.

What is this point author Alicia Britt Chole is trying to make? How am I going to go forward if she keeps making me look back? Where is this study taking me?

Of this I am certain ... all my collective memories and moments in time, if I could visually accumulate them in a big box would be my most cherished collection.
Yes, cherished.
For without those experiences I don't know if I'd be here today. I don't know if I'd live here. I don't know if my friends would be my friends. I don't know if my husband would be my partner. I don't know .... what I don't know.

I only know that today, as I sit here typing and admitting to my own, sometimes derogatory feelings towards God and my more often admiration of Him, I am happy.

I. Am. Happy.

And if I had to go through all of the good, the bad and the ugly to get to this happy place....
well, yes! I'd do it again.

God I really hope I don't have to but
I would.
I would do it all again to have this inner, indescribable, happy peace.
But all of this begs the question; is it ok to say out loud what you really feel about God if it's irreverant? Shouldn't I practice holiness, awe and wonder and only express glory for the Creator of the Universe? Perhaps I should chastise myself for even thinking that He is less than faithful, stubborn and unreliable (yes, these are real terms I probably used in my exercise from this week's study - not proud of it, ok?).

I'm no bible scholar by any means but it seems, in my simple mind, that if various characters of bible can whine about their life (see David, Joseph, Moses, Abraham, Hannah .... )
then I can too.

You think that's ok? Seriously, what do you think ......

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