Saturday, March 24, 2012

No Use Crying Over Spilled Wine

"I once read that 'the best hostess is the first to spill the wine,' the idea being if you make a mistake, your guests won’t feel so bad if they do later."   (quote from Kelly Adkins )

I couldn't concentrate on my dinner last night. My stomach was sick and my heart was heavy. The chatter and conversation carried on all around amongst my kids and hubby. I faked a smile and nodded when someone drew me but I wasn't engaged. My mind was elsewhere. I had had a terribly busy day at work.

Like, if you picture busy in your mind  ... go ahead, picture it, I'll wait ......

got it?

I was twelve times busier than that.
I was insanely busy.
I was multi-tasking as if I had 2 brains and 8 arms.
If I was in a cartoon my arms would have been animated like spinning helicopter blades.

And whenever I move that fast for that long I crash and burn.
I do it every time.
And when I can, I act preemptive-ly and to avoid the fall out but
on this day there was nothing I could do about the uber-busyness.
I had to keep working.

All my efforts weren't flawless either!
Oh no! I had already screwed up earlier in the day.
I did my best but it wasn't enough.
And it made a mess of things.

So I was frazzled later when another task came up that I couldn't figure out.
I did what I knew to do;
I asked for help but that person didn't know what I should do either and she suggested I look up an answer.
I did but I still couldn't find any information about how I was to proceed.
That's when I made a decision.
I told our client that I was sorry but we couldn't help them here.

I wish that was the end of it.

Later, thinking it would be good for future reference, I sought out and asked the next person up the chain of command (who was now available but wasn't when I needed him) how to deal with that situation should it ever come up again.

Turns out I told the client "No" prematurely and
my boss asked me to correct the situation.
And instead of saying, "I can't"
I choose to say "I will"
when I knew I couldn't.

I could not undo what I had done or said and I gave my boss the impression that I could.
In other words, in an effort to save face, I actually made it more difficult on myself.
So I could look good.
So I didn't look like I screwed up.
So he would like my work and thereby like me.

How many times have I told my children that it may be hard but it always goes easier for you if you would just simply tell the truth?

I didn't even take my own advice.
I didn't even do what I preach.
I am a hypocrite.
When pressed against the wall of my own inadequacies I caved and lied and misrepresented myself.

I am human.

It so very easy in life to portray an image of our self that we believe -and want- the world to like. We, through update statuses, tweets and personal interactions can make our friends, family members, coworkers or online 'friends' think we are cool/funny/clever/smart/spiritual or ______________ (fill in the blank).

Then, watch this .... then it's not hard for us to believe that we are (_____) if the people around us think we are - even though we've presented a false and/or inaccurate representation of ourselves.

Why didn't I just admit to my boss that I did my best and I was sorry it was not good enough?

Because we so often easily forget that our worth is not hinged upon the acceptance of others.
I am not good because you think I'm good.
I am good because He calls me good.

Genesis 1:36 "And God saw everything He had made and it was good."

This entry today is an honest one. It's not intended to make me look ... like anything ... except for the perfectly imperfect human that I am.

This is me spilling the wine first.

Right here, all over my blog.

Now you know
I'm not the perfect hostess
or mother
or daughter
or sister
or wife
or worker
or blogger
or writer
or speaker
or minister
or friend.

I spill wine.

In fact, you should know, I often spill wine.

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