Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Why I'm too Sexy for my Van

In August 2007 I bought a 15 passenger van.
That's because in August 2004 the twins were born.
The Sikorski's went from 3 kids (just slightly over the national average) to 5.
We needed a bigger vehicle and it only took us 3 years scouring every used car lot in a 200 mile radius to find a suitable one.
It wasn't fancy.
It was white.
It didn't have any of the bells & whistles.
Just 4 benches.
It wasn't even a cool color.
Did I mention it was white?
But it was clean. It wasn't ancient. And I could afford it.
I signed all the papers and transfered all our toys, blankets, diaper bags, trash and car seats from the
old mini van to the new passenger van.
I thought the kids would be excited!
Now they could bring a friend along.
Now we had extra seat belts.
Everyone would be thrilled but me. I still wasn't sure how I felt about the up size.
I mean I actually felt demoted on so many levels.
I went from soccer-mom-in-a-mini-van (that CAN be cool, right)
bus driver.
The van is just so ... white.
And big.
And plain.
It looks so ... so ...
Well lemme try and give you an idea:
We rolled into town in our new purchase.
Fresh wax job. Shiny tires.
And our friends noticed our new ride.
Some asked,
"I didn't know your church got a new van until I saw you driving this!"
"Gosh, is that thing longer that an ambulance?"
"I saw your van at the grocery store. Now I can always tell where the Sikorski's are!"
"Halee, either the assisted living van is here or it's your mom out front!".
Slightly humiliating, I'd say.

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Clearly, I resolve, I CANNOT look cool while driving this beast
or Hoop-dee (as my sister lovingly refers to it)
or the Crazy bus (fans of Marc Brown's Arthur will understand the reference).
And that's just too bad because I am cooler than my van.
And then something happens.
A guy waves at me.
"Gosh, I think, I must be having a good hair day."
and then
another fellow waves at me.
"Man, these glasses must really compliment my face!"
and then
another waves.
And another day another man waves.
And another day another man waves.
And I am NOT exaggerating!
I am starting to feel a little funny about all the attention I get in our new van and I confess to dear hubby reporting all the friendly men who have been waving at me.

I mean, he really should know if I'm that attractive, right?
But then something strange happens.
When Aaron is driving the van & I'm riding shotgun, we get waved at again.
I sigh in exasperation! The nerve of some people I think. Can't they see that clearly I am with my man? No need to wave, thank you very much!
And that's when the light bulb goes on.
My ah-ha moment.
The hand hitting the forehead, in a "Duh!" realization.
There is something strangely and familiarly in common with all the fellas who've been waving at me.
They, too have all been in white vans.
The cable guy.
The electrician.
The local plumber, the water guy and construction company.
All of them in white vans.
All of them NOT waving to a sexy gal in a van.
I figure out that they ALL think they are waving to their buddy.
They think, as I approach head on, that I, too, am their cable man,
fellow electrician or water delivery person.
They don't notice my good hair day, my new sunglasses or applaud me for chauffeuring all these kids around.
I am getting the wave of the blue collar brotherhood.
All the attention I've been getting has not even been for me.
They think I am somebody else.

And it still happens to this day.
Just yesterday the pipefitter guy waved at me.

But I've resolved that it's ok.
Whether my friends think it or not.
Whether Joe the Plumber knows it or not,
I am cool.
I am probably too cool and too sexy for my van.

So I vow to drive it with confidence. I will press on and move forward.
I will wave when others wave at me.
I will strategically park in parking lots where I can avoid the reverse
and I will be persistent in my avoidance of drive thru's for fear of taking out entire buildings.
I will proudly display all the free bumper stickers and team logos that my children bring home in one of the windows of our van!
Because I've decided the van doesn't make ME.
I make the van!!!

Drive on sexy Soccer Moms! Drive on!


  1. Haha!! Embrace that white van of yours!! Be proud! I'm sure you totally rock that van :)
    Did people really make those rude comments to you? People can just be rude.

  2. Ha! I have 5 kids too, and we almost bought one of these slick bad boys. We were lucky that one of our friends won't drive a car for more than 3 years and sold us her 8 passenger Honda for a song. (Go figure!)

    To be fair to you, you have NO way of knowing they didn't notice your good effort with the hair and the pretty new sunglasses, so let's pretend they did. There are very few grace points in the life of the Mother-to-the-Masses. Your friend in Super-sized Familyland, Erin

  3. Yes those are real comments!
    I will admit though I got vanity plates. It upped the cool factor by at least 10%

  4. Totally sounds like something I would do..thinking I was getting all this recognition for one something and it turns out they think I'm the plumber....

  5. I agree w. Jen - people can be so rude!
    After reading your post I can't get that song - I'm too sexy for my (van) - out of my head. I am sure it will be there all day. (-:

  6. That's right, girl! OWN that van! You're so sexy you'll make the van sexy. Then they'll see!

  7. Hahaha, too funny! On the plus side, you must be the best looking van driver around :)

  8. In the UK there is a stereotypical "white van man" who typically is a tradesman of some kind, working class and usually drives badly lol are you a white van woman ? ;-)

    1. well, I certainly am working class but I do NOT drive badly .. I drive slowly .. and only forward and my cargo is just too precious! :)

    2. and p.s. I love the UK! Been there quite a few times! (wouldn't want to drive there though!)

  9. When we bought our minivan I took on a friend's minivan mantra. "The van doesn't make me look cool. *I* make the van look cool!" And you are ROCKIN' that van, girl!

  10. We rented one of those vans one time when we had a bunch of family in town that all needed to be carted around; BIG, WHITE and PLAIN - but it did the job and there have been many times since when we pile into my little hybrid that I think fondly of and long for that big white van!

    1. actually, it is riduculously handy! soccer gear? visitng gma? cinch? Take the dog AND her kennel? It all fits! with my kids!

  11. That is awesome! Good for you for embracing it and still being cool. Hey, any mom who can handle 5 kids is pretty cool in my book!

    1. thanks. I'm a little nuts too but mostly cool!

  12. Love it! Embrace your van's inner-beauty - especially since it is carrying very precious cargo!


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